This evening as I started to make myself a lovely kale and
spinach smoothie I discovered I didn’t actually have any spinach, kale, or an
actual smoothie maker. However unfortunate this discovery was, one must power
on in the face of adversity, so I sent my husband off to get the next best thing
(chocolate milk shake from McDonalds). After the snack debacle was rectified I
paused to reflect on my day. It involved a lot of screaming. And crying. And
then the kids woke up.
Ha, I kid (kind of, these ankles would make you cry too).
Instead of feeling terrible about this I have decided to
find the positive. The silver lining here is much like supporting small businesses
my children will keep therapist in Kansas employed for years to
come! Basically, I am single handedly turning the tide in the recession over here.
You are welcome America!
25 Reasons my kids
need therapy:
1.
The underwear they peed in when they did NOT
have to go to the bathroom is wet
2.
Santa isn’t coming today
3.
He isn’t coming tomorrow either.
4.
Oh, and neither is grandma.
5.
Boys do not have vaginas. Meara used to think I
could fix everything, now that I cannot fix her father her innocence is
basically shattered.
6.
I went in the kitchen and didn’t return with a 4
course meal.
7.
Baby gates
8.
The water was wet during bath time
9.
I could not properly identify all the different
food types that made up Meara’s last bowel movement as it floated in the
toilet.
10.
Speaking of toilet. Ours is white, not pink.
11.
Chewing on all household chords has been
strictly forbidden
12.
So is riding on the vacuum. Basically I no
longer go by “mom”. My new name is actually “kill Joy”
13.
Speaking of riding, I wouldn’t let them ride the
dog
14.
I incorrectly sang the song “Old McDonald”. He didn’t
have a sheep. He will never have a sheep. Do NOT mention a sheep.
15.
I did not turn into oncoming traffic when
driving, even though I was directly order to “GO THIS WAY” by the tiny 3 year
old dictator in the back seat
16.
I took a bite of her snack. This is the snack
she didn’t want to see, eat, smell, look at, or be in the same room as.
17.
Didn’t let the youngest toddler suck on her
dirty diaper
18.
There is more than 1 toddler in this house
19.
I told Meara about dance class and didn’t
immediately take her. Dance class starts in September.
20.
It isn’t September
21.
Napping inside the fireplace isn’t allowed.
22.
The block tower fell down.
23.
Her sister looked at her. Twice.
24.
I didn’t look at her while she did a front roll
for the 8 hundred millionth time
25.
She front rolled into the couch. My bad.
So, to all the therapist out
there. You are welcome. I plan on keeping you in business for many years to
come. And after you’ve fixed all the ways I’ve undoubtedly traumatized my
children for life go ahead and sign me up for a membership. Do they do therapy memberships?
I think I would be more likely to get a therapy membership at this point than a
gym one. I don’t think I am medically cleared to approach a stair stepper until
I really address the post-traumatic stress motherhood has caused me. And then
after that I will need to address the current traumatic stress….
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