Why Britney Spear's is My Mom Idol

I start my days early, usually between 5:30 and 6. We can all pretend this is so I can lovingly prepare a GMO free breakfast artfully in the shape of endangered species for my family (Words I never thought I would say: Meara please do not throw your Blue Footed Boobie Muffin at your sister!). In reality it is because this is one the few times I can successfully hide from my children for at least a 15 minute span and eat their processed cupcakes that will probably turn my gallbladder, and soul, neon pink.

This morning as I was hiding I decided we all need a Mom Idol. Someone we can look up to in our times of struggle. Someone to really give us that inspiration we need. After a long internal debate ( 3 minutes while trying to find Dr. Phil on the tv) I have decided on Britney Spears. Britney Spears you say in shock, well she is a hot mess! To this I say, well so am I! But remain calm. I have done extensive research (five minutes on google) and can back this conclusion up with facts based on her song titles. So here we go:

Why Britney Spears is my Mom IDOL based on Song Titles:

1.       Oops I Did it Again

Um she nails it with this one! Is she referring to my third pregnancy in 3 years, or is this a reference to my children’s behavior such as, but not limited to: Audrey consistently pooping in the bathtub 3 times a week, while Meara screams POOOOOOOOP as turds and bits of lettuce float by, or maybe she is referring to the fact for 3 years Meara has stashed snacks in her diaper or underwear and has zero shame whipping out a Dorito from her pants in public places and offering it to friends. She could also be referring to Meara’s new fascination with her lady parts which has cued her to ask random strangers to see their “gimas” in wal mart.

Yes Bspears, They did it again. And Again. You get it.

2.       Toxic

Well she definitely has kids based on this song title.  I’m sure she is talking about all the toxic substances my kids have tried to ingest over the years while I was doing an excellent job watching them: dog food, foam plats, teething on Clorox wipes, paint, toilet paper, toilet water, dirt, rocks, shaving cream, lotion and laundry detergent. I’m sure I’m forgetting at least 200 more household items but let’s be real. It is a miracle they are alive and that I still have any nerves left.

3.       From the Bottom of my Broken Heart

This one was clearly written from my Children’s perspective. Because nothing knows a crushed spirit more than a toddler who isn’t allowed to eat a pool noodle. As a mother I spend 10% of my time changing diapers, 20 % of my time locating my children I have misplaced, 20 % of my time making meals no one eats other than the dog, and 50% of my day is spent crushing my children’s spirits into the ground by not allowing them to kill each other, or their close personal friends.

You think you have angst, no one knows true pain like a 3 year old whose mother didn’t wash her Minnie mouse panties.

4.       I Wanna Go

Now I know a lot of people assume celebrities have nannies and other people doing their dirty work but judging on this song title clearly Ms. Spears has potty trained. They wanna go, they don’t wanna go, they want to go in a different location, they “accidentally” went behind the curtains, they need to go in the dark while listening to classical music, they need you go to go first to demonstrate, they need a team discussion to analyze the bodily fluids now hanging out in the toilet or floor. This song really resonates with all the toddlers whose diapers have been unjustly taken away, and the moms covered in feces dreaming about wine.

5.       I’m a slave 4 U

My personal favorite! Because the second that wrinkly little ball of love and poop enters the world its game over. Prepare to constantly be doing things for everyone else with very little acknowledgement. Your new name may be mom, but that is just code word for slave.  You better learn how to dress a Barbie in under 10 seconds, while building a block tower, and cooking a grilled cheese that isn’t too grilled, all at the same time.  And trust me, if you brown that grilled cheese sandwich at all kiss your crust eating privileges good bye for a 2 week minimum. It’s only fair.

I could go on, but  I'll just leave you with this. So that is why, in a nutshell, Britney Spears is my new mom idol and probably should be yours too. Clearly she gets us!