Every time
you add a child to the mix things tend to get a little hairy. We welcomed our
third bundle of poop producing joy into the world 4 days ago, and by welcomed I
mean there was a lot of screaming, crying, and begging to double people’s pay
if they could provide me with some pain relief.
I now
have a child who recently turned 3, a 20 month old with a vindictive streak the
size of Texas, and a newborn who probably doesn’t stand a solid chance. He will
be cross dressing by 6 months with the help of his sisters.
Chaos
is an understatement.
So to
all my dear friends and people who hardly know me, but would like to participate
in my slow mental demise: This is how it is going.
Today
has been a day of highs and lows. There were tears. There was laughter. Some
mild nudity and some moderate violence. However, I would like to focus more on
this evening.
I laid
all the kids clothes out for after bath. After the two toddlers did their best
impressions of flopping dead fish with strong futures that involve making
millions on some sort of water dispersal system they ran into the living room
to get dressed. Audrey took this time to let us, the neighbors, and possibly
the gas station attendant a block away know that she thought the decision to
not allow her to sit on her brother was an unfair one by thrashing around on
the floor for a good five minutes. While trying to determine if she was just
unhappy or experiencing some sort of seizure Meara took the opportunity to hide
her underwear.
Why,
you ask, would she hide her underwear? Why not is a better question?
So,
after we got Audrey calmed down, Andrew and I took a few minutes to hold ourselves
and cry. We then put Meara’s nightgown on and requested she please relocate her
panties for us. After explaining she enjoyed a good breeze we once again held ourselves
and cried some more and then got distracted again.
At
this point I’ve moved on to bathe the baby.
Audrey
seize this time to:
1. Break my powder and disperse it
like it is fairy dust. Trust me kid if that was fairy dust I wouldn’t have to
be hiding in the bathroom eating oreos twice a day.
2. Take a large bite out of my deodorant.
That is one way to both curb your appetite, as well as let everyone know what
you thought about tonight’s dinner.
3. Draw all over herself with my
lip stain.
Did
you know that actually does in fact stain?!
That
is a lovely shade of coral you have dyed your eyebrows and butt Audrey. Really
lovely.
At
this point my husband is on his knees saying 3 Hail Mary’s in both English and Spanish
(we need to cover all our bases here) and doing the sign of the cross at any
child’s approach. He decides the best thing to do is put the 2 girls in the car
and drive to Mexico and drop them off. After some debate I manage to convince
him that isn’t the best option and instead maybe to just start with a drive
around the block.
This
leaves me alone with my newborn who after watching his sister’s ridiculousness for
4 days is currently considering looking into adoption.
About
3 minutes after they’ve left I got a phone call from Andrew. He passes along
this direct quote from Meara:
“Dad I
really need some panties on, but its ok!”
Yes,
you read that correctly.
In the
mass chaos that is our life we had forgotten that the oldest had stashed her
panties (just in case there was one day a panty shortage) and had instead had been
going commando during this time. I’ve never taken a car ride with everything
free to the breezes, but if you are wondering what it is like just ask my 3
year old. She has some experience.
There
are a lot of parents out there who have it all together. They have lovely
children, who are unaware that chicken nuggets are in fact a food group, and
wear underwear during all forms of travel.
We are
not those parents.
I had
this exact same facial expression when I heard too Sullivan. May the odds be
ever in your favor.
