The Time my Toddler Took a Car Ride Sans Underwear

Every time you add a child to the mix things tend to get a little hairy. We welcomed our third bundle of poop producing joy into the world 4 days ago, and by welcomed I mean there was a lot of screaming, crying, and begging to double people’s pay if they could provide me with some pain relief.

I now have a child who recently turned 3, a 20 month old with a vindictive streak the size of Texas, and a newborn who probably doesn’t stand a solid chance. He will be cross dressing by 6 months with the help of his sisters.

 

Chaos is an understatement.

So to all my dear friends and people who hardly know me, but would like to participate in my slow mental demise: This is how it is going.

Today has been a day of highs and lows. There were tears. There was laughter. Some mild nudity and some moderate violence. However, I would like to focus more on this evening.

I laid all the kids clothes out for after bath. After the two toddlers did their best impressions of flopping dead fish with strong futures that involve making millions on some sort of water dispersal system they ran into the living room to get dressed. Audrey took this time to let us, the neighbors, and possibly the gas station attendant a block away know that she thought the decision to not allow her to sit on her brother was an unfair one by thrashing around on the floor for a good five minutes. While trying to determine if she was just unhappy or experiencing some sort of seizure Meara took the opportunity to hide her underwear.

Why, you ask, would she hide her underwear? Why not is a better question?

So, after we got Audrey calmed down, Andrew and I took a few minutes to hold ourselves and cry. We then put Meara’s nightgown on and requested she please relocate her panties for us. After explaining she enjoyed a good breeze we once again held ourselves and cried some more and then got distracted again.

At this point I’ve moved on to bathe the baby.

Audrey seize this time to:

1.    Break my powder and disperse it like it is fairy dust. Trust me kid if that was fairy dust I wouldn’t have to be hiding in the bathroom eating oreos twice a day.

2.    Take a large bite out of my deodorant. That is one way to both curb your appetite, as well as let everyone know what you thought about tonight’s dinner.

3.    Draw all over herself with my lip stain.

Did you know that actually does in fact stain?!

That is a lovely shade of coral you have dyed your eyebrows and butt Audrey. Really lovely.

At this point my husband is on his knees saying 3 Hail Mary’s in both English and Spanish (we need to cover all our bases here) and doing the sign of the cross at any child’s approach. He decides the best thing to do is put the 2 girls in the car and drive to Mexico and drop them off. After some debate I manage to convince him that isn’t the best option and instead maybe to just start with a drive around the block.

This leaves me alone with my newborn who after watching his sister’s ridiculousness for 4 days is currently considering looking into adoption.

About 3 minutes after they’ve left I got a phone call from Andrew. He passes along this direct quote from Meara:

 

“Dad I really need some panties on, but its ok!”

 

Yes, you read that correctly.

In the mass chaos that is our life we had forgotten that the oldest had stashed her panties (just in case there was one day a panty shortage) and had instead had been going commando during this time. I’ve never taken a car ride with everything free to the breezes, but if you are wondering what it is like just ask my 3 year old. She has some experience.

There are a lot of parents out there who have it all together. They have lovely children, who are unaware that chicken nuggets are in fact a food group, and wear underwear during all forms of travel.

We are not those parents.

I had this exact same facial expression when I heard too Sullivan. May the odds be ever in your favor.