So you've made the extremely unwise decision to venture out in public with your little sugar pies of Satan. You've probably dressed them in their cutest little outfit. If you're me, that means matching bows and cowboy boots. You admire the fruit of your loins. Look how sweet they look, look how nicely they're listening and playing. You breathe a sigh of relief and attempt direct eye contact with your nugget of love. Next comes a cleansing sigh of relief. You've got this shit. You're basically super mom.
Then all hell breaks loose.
The following are the psychological stages a parent goes through during a toddler meltdown. Reader discretion is advised. This isn't pretty.
1. Denial.
Surely that is not your sweet angel baby sobbing on the floor of walgreens. No child of mine would ever have the capabilities of producing those inhumane screams. Even the cashier is crying from the trauma of witnessing this spectacle. My child would never throw a can of corn at my head at the grocery store, or rip her pants off and run away in protest of being asked to eat another chicken nugget. Surely this snot covered little muffin, who may be having an epileptic seizure in the middle of this very public playground did not come from my uterus?!?! That's it. We've officially lost our invite to play group. Way to go peanut.
2. Anger
Since several people and several documents do in fact confirm that this is your child. Denial is no longer an option. Cue the anger. You start sweating. Angry tears are forming. You did not watch 13 hours of Callioux that taught the valuable life lessons of patience and self control for this to happen. You have spent too many hours teaching that little nugget how to act only to have them act the opposite. You begin to have rage flashes. These are very similar to hot flashes. There is a lot of sweating and hormones involved. You're overwhelmed with the desire to start screaming and banging your head against the next available hard surface.
3. Bargaining
This is your toddlers very "faborite" stage. You've moved on from the anger since screaming at your child at the top of your lungs is generally frowned on in public. Now comes the bargaining. Hey there cute kid currently screeching while performing an alligator roll on the floor, would you like a cookie, maybe a sucker, maybe a new corvette, or even new mother?! At this point I'll give you my own kidney and the keys to the car to get you to cease and desist.
4. Depression
So your child just turned down three juice boxes, two unicorns, and a 3 months stay at grandmas. Cue the cloud of depression that falls upon you. You glance at your child, they seem to have broken out in hives from lack of oxygen. That is your kid.
F o r e v e r.
18 to life, can't send them back, forever yours. You start to envision the thousands of tantrums ahead of you. You shiver in fear. Your child is now rolling around on the floor while randomly doing a jujitsu move on their sibling. Where did you go wrong?!?! Too many chicken nuggets? You should've started them in piano. I've heard musically gifted kids are better behaved. You're child can't spell their own name but has no problem punching a doctor. What did you do to deserve this?! It was that one time you cheated on that chemistry test in college. Karma has come back to you in the form of a small psychopath. The cloud of depression grows deeper.
5. Acceptance.
This is my favorite. Sure your kid resembles several of the characters from the exorcist. Sure you can never leave the house again. Hey, there might be a chance you're raising the next Jeffrey Dahmer, but by God that is YOUR little sociopath and you love them just the way they are. Kind of. Now gather up that little bundle of toddler terror, give them a snuggle, remember what those 4 minutes were like last week when they were sweet, and move to the next town where they don't know about your child's ability to break glass with one cry.
Now that we've reviewed the stages we as parents go through when our children lose their minds in public. I've got nothing more for you. Good luck. Lets hope for the best and maybe buy some more beer. We've got some years ahead of us.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
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