With the holiday season quickly approaching many of us are begining our shopping preparations for all those special someone's in our lives. I don't know about you, but I've received some really remarkable gifts over the years. Because of these little gems I have created a holiday shopping guide. Feel free to print this out and tape to your husband's forehead, because husbands learn through osmosis. Also, he is more likely to read it if you tape it over his mouth and eyes. You know he won't be missing any football or snacks so this increases the chances he will remove it and possibly glance down(disclaimer, no husbands were hurt in the pursuit of better gifts this year.)
A list of things NOT to buy me for Christmas:
1. Any sort of cleaning supply or device. On the day we celebrate sweet baby Jesus being evicted from his mother's uterus, I do NOT need to be reminded that I am surrounded by play dough encrusted carpet or that my counters seem to be covered in hardened maple syrup. If you buy me clorox wipes your day will not be merry or bright. You've been warned.
2. Kitchen supplies. I do not care if my pans are from 1982. I do not care that my baking sheets look like they've been in a hail storm. My thighs look like that too, are you going to replace those as well? Because that would be a better present. You know what I do all day? Feed people. All day. I dole out more snacks than your local food truck. Except I don't get paid, and it is usually smeared in my kids hair or thrown back at me like a weapon. So please no utensils that will serve as weapons for my small rug rats to threaten me with when I don't cut their sandwiches correctly. I fail them often.
3. Linens. Listen I know that I probably need them. Audrey enjoys pooping on the floor so we've had to toss out a few too many towels. We've also had to begin therapy because motherhood is traumatizing. We could probably also use some dish towels and sheets, but I'm sorry nothing says you don't really matter more than a pack of wash cloths. "Abby I really value your selfless service to this family. This is why I bought you this lovely assortment of wash cloths. I know you don't bathe, but you can use these when you're slaving away washing your kids butts or cleaning up their vomit."
4. Any sort of organizational tool. Listen I do not have my shit together. I will never have my shit together. You can buy me 3 planners, 2 address books, a shoe rack, 28 storage bins, a desk organizer, and a mail sorter. I will still lose my children. I will still lock the keys in the car while the car is running. I will still put my pants on backwards once a week. Do not waste your money. This is a lost cause. Accept it. Move on. We will all be happier for it.
Now that I've crushed your shopping hopes and dreams let me build you up a bit.
Here are some treasures I would like to receive:
1. A cleaning lady. Please sweet, baby Jesus buy me a good house scrub, but make sure it isn't a cleaning lady who runs her mouth. I don't want it to get around how many snacks my kids shove in the couch cushions or that I sometimes hide trash under the rug.
2. A baby sitter. As much as I love these beautiful little sweet potatoes I've taken one too many diapers to the face lately. Several of them are so attached to me I'm beginning to think they are going to attempt to re-enter my uterus soon. Momma needs a break. Although I'm sure even if I got one, the echos of their piercing cries would still reverberate in my ears. Buy me a baby sitter and you win for life. I would even consider gifting you my first born. She has a bit of an attitude and does poop her pants occasionally, but other than that I really think she could be going places one day.
3. Food. Good food. Food that doesn't have cartoon characters on the box. Food that I don't have to share. Food that isn't in the shape of extinct animals. Food that isnt eaten off a disney princess plate. Buy me a good meal that isn't stolen or slobbered on by my kids and you will be my favorite.
4. New work out clothes. I haven't worked out since 2012 but I'm considering getting into acting, so I thought I'd practice by pretending to be Mia Hamm everyday for 3 years. But seriously I'm 5 years behind in laundry and the only pair of yoga pants I have left have a hole in the crotch. I mean, I still wear them but I'm worried I may get pregnant again if I keep it up, so some new pants would be appreciated.
I could continue but if you follow these basic guidelines for that special lady in your life I think you'll be pleasantly surprised, or at least not sleeping on the couch for a week and being sent notarized divorce paperwork. I can't promise anything though, I don't know how often you unload the dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher has been statistically proven to lower ones couch sleeping days.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
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