Squirrel Mom

Did you guys know that animal type parenting is a thing? Why this surprised me I have no idea. I mean sugar free, gluten free, joy free cake is a thing.

A real, sad, gross, thing.
So duh, of course there is such a thing as dolphin parenting. Where the hell have I been?! I'll tell you:
Hiding.
I've been hiding.

But I digress, time for some research: hi-ho hi-ho off to google I go. There are apparantly three animal genres:
-Tiger
-Elephant
- Dolphin

And you know what? I just don't fit in any of these categories well. Can't fit in my pants. Can't fit in at PTA gatherings. Can't fit the mini van into small parking spots when the door greeters, or moms who wear real pants are staring at me (nerves yall).  Can't fit into an appropriate parenting animal group either.The struggle. It is so damn real.

So I did some soul searching. This soul searching happened when I was on the toilet and it was cut short when I had not one, but two volunteers offer to assist in the wiping process.

But in my exstensive (five minutes) of research I have identified my own animal parenting type.

The squirrel.
Why you may ask am I a squirrel mom? Many valid and poignant reasons to follow:

1. Squirrels spend like 65% of their life hiding nuts. The other 45% is spent with them unsuccessfully trying to find them again.

Me. So me.
I loose my keys.
I loose my kids.
I loose my sanity.
I always think I've placed them in *the* sweet spot(you know the spot you put things, thinking I will totally remember, never to see the item again) Cue me 3 hours later searching fruitlessly in my fruit of the looms.

2. Have you ever done any squirrel watching? They are ALWAYS chasing other squirrels. Just frolicking about all frolick like, not a care in the world.

That mom you saw in aisle ten last week at target? The one in toddler pursuit next to the shampoo? The pursuit ended in a slide tackle with a double soumersault lay out.
*and the crowd goes wild*
Me. That was me.
My crew, we frolick hard.

3. My dad has bird feeders. It mortally wounds his soul when the squirrels steal the bird's food, which is often. Every day when my husband comes home he asks what is for dinner. I usually have my signature response: "No idea, but I haven't eaten all day. I am starving.

Lies. All Lies. 
I have actually eaten.
A lot. I've had roughly 5 chicken nuggets, 3 soggy pancakes, half a bag of goldfish, 2.5 string cheeses, .046 of a yogurt container, and 4 half drank juice boxes.
All stolen. Kids aren't the only one with sticky fingers."Wow Meara that was a fascinating retelling of the time three years ago you wore mismatched socks to wal mart!"

- chicken nugget dissapears in her distraction-

4. According to my exstensive bathroom research squirrels actually zigzag to avoid predators. So when they are acting a fool in the middle of the road there is actually a biological purpose to that crazy drunk run.

Pub crawl. 2012.
I don't feel the need to elaborate past that.

5. Squirrels get bulky during winter months as a biological protection against food scarcity and for warmth. Four years ago the grocery store ran out of milk and bread before a big snow storm. The storm lasted approximately 2.5 hours and melted in another 5, but let me tell you shit got real. As in new pants size real. It's been my biological imperitive after that traumatic experience to gain at least 5lbs every winter.
I get you squirrels. I do.

6. Squirrels give birth to between 2 and 5 young. They are born naked and helpless.
Yesterday one of children lost her ever loving shit. Tears, drama, desperation,
despair. She went full blown lifetime movie on me. The problem: lost shoes. By lost I mean they were in her closet. sitting next to all her other lost shoes.
*checks off 2-5 helpless children, as the two year old streaks past proudly displaying his man junk*

7. Apparantly squirrel moms are incredibly aggressive and territorial of their young. I consider myself a kind person. I open doors. I give up my seat. I volunteer. But make my kid cry and it is on like donkey kong. That door I just held? Zero problem smashing your foot in it. Twice. Squirrel mom crazy doesn't have shit on me.

I know some of you are wondering how I know all of this super relevant, and useful to my every day life, squirrel information?  Yes, yes I did google squirrels. How did I manage this with four small kids to take care of? I'll let you in on a squirrel mom secret.

I gave them snacks, let them frolick, and prayed no one died in the process. I mean with two to five in a litter the odds of several surviving to adulthood is fairly high.

Squirrel moms unite.

Love and light♡