Once upon a time, two lovely individuals threw back a few too many and ended up pregnant at the courthouse. Classy I know, but go big or go home is our motto. And by "our" I mean mine. My husband is face palming me and dreaming of disinfecting the counters as I type (he is a clean freak. Lord help me).
I cannot pretend to be an expert at marriage. I am knee deep in crayons, broken dreams, dirty diapers, and dirtier children. There are times when my husband, God love him, is second on a good day, and fourth on a bad day. This is the life of a mom with 3 small children. Is it right? Probably not. But in my defense when he is fourth I promise you I am fifth.
So this is my open apology letter to my husband.
1. I'm sorry you come home and the house looked like 58 flying spider monkeys were trapped inside. It was really only a half dozen children under the age of three, but they get angry when they're hungry. And when they're angry I get real scared and start tossing crackers out like I am the star of the Macy's Day Parade. So, basically this is why there are 68 crushed crackers and 4 twizzlers in our air conditioning unit.
2. Speaking of appearance. I'm very, very sorry my underwear are 2 days old, I'm wearing dirty yoga pants, and a shower is just a twinkle in my eye. I know this isn't the woman you married. That woman was clean, stylish, and didn't have a 1 year old assisting in wiping her butt. If you happen to find her pass on this message: run.
3. I'm sorry when you come home I hand you a child and suddenly become Carmen San Diego. Let's hope I am as successful in my hiding techniques as that girl. I don't have a sweet coat or hat, but I am at least currently wearing a bra and semi clean yoga pants.
4. I'm sorry I turn everything into a crock pot meal. I know you never planned to eat 48 meals straight out of a large ceramic bowl. I never planned to loose my sanity or ask a human being to remove crayons from their bottom. So yeah, I can totally cook that filet in the crock pot. Lets toss some ranch dressing on it to be safe though.
5. I'm sorry the "do I have any clean underwear" conversation happens so frequently in our house. I'm trying to save the planet so I make mine last, but I understand your materialistic desire for a fresh pair daily. My heart hurts for your nether region, Therefore, I would like to introduce you to a magical place. It's called the laundry room, and it has more snacks than our pantry.
6. I'm sorry I've turned into such a hermit. I know you love people and being out in world. You are a 6'1 social butterfly. Lately I've really started loving fuzzy socks, frozen pizzas, and my bed a lot more. Here is the thing though: there are SO many kids in my bed, so next time you go out to meet your legitimate human need for basic interaction with other adults could you please take one or two of these tiny humans? They're eating my snacks.
7. I am sorry I loose every single item necessary for basic survival. I know it can be confusing when I call you on my cell phone crying about how I lost my cell phone. I know you get frustrated when I call you and ask you where 35 different kitchen utensils are. Since you have never cooked a meal you may not be my best source of information, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, about that time it took me twenty minutes to return home from the store in a town that is five miles long- you see I misplaced the car. The positive thing was I had a cart full of snacks to meet my caloric needs as I wandered around aimlessly while avoiding direct contact with the other customers in the parking lot.
8. I know you do some of your best thinking on the toilet. We have very few boundaries left, but I am sorry I refuse to work on a budget, vacation plan, or go over our cleaning schedule, while you are working on cleaning out your colon. I know this is a point of frustration for you so let's meet in the middle. Once I locate my phone give me a ring next time you find yourself on the porcelain throne and we can make one heck of a grocery list.
Hell I am even open to face timing.
There are more things I can address here but time is short and I've misplaced one of my children.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
No comments:
Post a Comment