Help Wanted!!!!

Unfortunately I find myself in the position of desperately needing about 3 seconds without a child attached to my body screaming for more gold fish crackers, while throwing a sippy cup at my head.

This is not an easy task to be completed. So, I came up with the brilliant idea to place a help wanted ad for those inconvenient times I want to meet basic human needs such as(but not limited to) eating, peeing, or sleeping.

Help Wanted:

Murphy Family Corporation, located in Liberal Kansas, is currently seeking a full-time, entry-level specialist to assume the day shift, night shift, swing shift, and any other shifts, on a temporary contract basis. Salary is nonexistent. Benefits include minimal alone time, a lack of privacy, and full loss of sanity.

Applications must be submitted by September 12, as this position is expected to start immediately and run for a total of the rest of your life.

We are seeking a candidate who is fluent in toddler gibberish and also can translate preschool age meltdowns. Knowledge in martial arts, as well as crisis and hostage negotiation skills are also a must. Basic plumbing skills are also a requirement. The skill set of speedily preparing 5 different meal options that will all be thrown on the floor is also necessary.

Canidates should have absolutely no training or experience before beginning this job, but are required to be full experts after 6 to 12 weeks of winging it. Calling home to your mother in tears is not required, but is encouraged.

 A daily uniform of dirty yoga pants, oversized t shirts reaking of body fluids, dirty hair, and tennis shoes is required at minimum. A frazzled, make up free face that can often be found eating snacks in the closet while catching up on facebook is NOT required, but highly encouraged.

A bonus will be given if the yoga pants are over over 8 years old.

At this time we do not provide health insurance, competitive pay, a 401K,  paid or non-paid time off, sick days, medical leave, bathroom breaks, or any other form of "breaks or leave." (**this leave policy does not include the event of sudden death**)

A retirement plan of living in your grown children's basement is provided, given that you complete your 6 to 12 weeks of on site training with no less than 25 emotional breakdowns.

If you are interested in becoming part of our team please apply in person between the hours of 9am and 7pm, not including the hours of nap time. These hours are subject to change and will not be disclosed. If you do apply in person during the mystery nap hours please be prepared to take at minimum 1 or 2 children home with you permanently, as well as pay a 200 dollar fine in the form of Godiva chocolates.

Looking forward to hearing from many eager applicants in the future!