Pinterest Problems

Lately I've been perusing Pinterest. By perusing I mean searching recipes and crafts I'll never attempt while my chocolate covered kids wrestle each other in the yard with Reba MacEntire playing in the background. (Good Lord I do love Reba!)

Here's your one chance Fancy, don't let me down: I'm going to need you to construct an end table out of doileys, string cheese, and misguided faith. If you don't complete it, this momma's gonna move uptown.
Or buy it on etsy. 

I've noticed they have a lot of 21 day challenges. Many of them are geared towards moms. In just 21 days you can systematically clean your pantry or laundry room, replace all your window screens, and successfully complete your own organ transplant using only pipe cleaners! You can also loose 25lbs and teach your kids french.  Bonjour!

True story. It's on pinterest. And everything on Pinterest is totally legit...just ask my husband about dinner last week. He will agree.

I've decided to make my own challenge. I lasted 2 days in the clean eating challenge(mamma NEEDED her doritos), I couldn't decipher the language in the fitness challenge(you mean bend and snap isn't a fitness routine?!) And I didn't even attempt the cleaning challenge. One look at my laundry room had me calling uncle and grabbing the wine.

Therefore, I created this 5 day challenge for all my other momma's in the struggle.

Deep breaths ladies. We can do this.

Day 1: Put your pants on.  Do they zip?  Damn that's amazing!  You go girl.  Don't worry if they dont. As mothers it's important to be prepared.  Those of us in yoga pants will be the first to outrun the mom in the stilletos and pencil skirt in the event of a freak bear attack. Survival of the fittest y'all. Praise Jesus that I am wearing these 3 day old stretch pants because bear attacks are a legitimate threat out here in western Kansas.  Bonus points if they aren't backwards!

Day 2: Locate your children. Hide. Immediately. Preferably hide in a location that has running water, cable TV, and snacks. They found you? Unfortunate. Truly unfortunate. Revert to plan B: Callioux and lucky charms. Facebook your kids "eating" oatmeal and creating yarn art first. After you've cleaned oatmeal out of the air conditioning unit (raising over achievers here) and untied the dogs from the toilet bowl (who knew yarn had had that tensile strength?!) Proceed with your day.

Day 3: Make a long list of every thing you hope to accomplish in your life. Bonus points if it's written in crayon or on Toy Story stationary. Sky is the limit here ladies! Don't hold back: you want to make a 3 foot cake that looks exactly like Bill Clinton - write it down! Is your goal to promote world peace? Write it down! Have you always wanted to go Vegan? Put that on the list!!! Have you been eyeing those pants you've had in your closet since 2002? Sure you haven't worn them since you attended Britney Spear's concert in your Sketchers, but now is not a time to doubt. It is a time to dream! Once your list is complete, read through it. Visualize yourself accomplishing these goals (I read that on a pinterest. Once again it makes it legit.) As you visualize please ignore all outside distractions. Is a child pooping behind the curtains? Is another one creating wall art with your last tube of lipstick? If so I do not care! Focus, people focus. Visualize Bill Clinton in his frosted glory. 
Ok, now that that is done please cross off all things written on your list. Lets be real: that was fun, but your kid eats rocks. Its time to get realistic.Edit it to say your one goal is to wear pants while checking the mail. This year.
Mission accomplished! Another day of success!

Day 4: Ok now I know this is going to sound pretty ambitious but what are goals for?! Todays challenge is to take a shower. I realize it's been several days since you've attempted this, but girl today is your day!!!! Chuck those barbie dolls, bath crayons, and the Elmo loofah out. Dust off your razor. Find a bar of soap that isn't in the shape of a jungle animal and go to town! Please ignore the shrieks and cries of your children. It's just their spirits you are crushing by not inviting them to participate.

Day 5: You know who doesn't get enough appreciation? Your husband! Todays goal is a simple one. Have a home cooked meal ready for him when he arrives home this evening.

Mommas, home cooked doesn't have to mean it was cooked by you!
Step 1: call Pizza Hut
Step 2: Anxiously await the delivery. 
Step 3:  Set the table. Opt for paper plates because let's be real, you won't wash those dishes.
Step 4: When the pizza arrives put it on a pan and throw away the box.
Step 5: Place your pizza making ingredients in strategic locations so as to make it appear that you actually cooked said meal.
Step 6: Greet husband in your best yoga pants and bask in the glory of your meal.

If you're one of those ladies (like myself) who cook everything in a crock pot go ahead and chop up the pizza and stick it in there. It's important when lying about your home cooked meal that you stay consistent so as to not alert your husband.

Alright ladies. Take a deep breath. We did it. Made it all five days. You should be cleaned, refreshed, and on your way to gaining 5lbs of pizza weight. Glad I could take this journey with y'all.

Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡