I know some of us moms mayyyyyy occasionally spend frivolously at locations such as target, Walmart, Amazon prime: 2 day shipping?! Well yes, maybe I actually do need 4 pair of panty hose, 3 can openers, and a can of aqua spray by Tuesday, thank you very much, and occasionally a trip to the liquor store. Can we talk about the emotional turmoil toddlers inflict? Sometimes momma needs a glass of red wine to dull the pain. And memories.
But I'm here to stop the madness. We do not need a meat dehydrator or 12 packs of sticky buns. I don't care if you have a coupon!!! And the only thing you've dehydrated lately is yourself as you cried into your wine. We are already doing the jobs of these products. We need to save our money for important things, like therapy and botox for the wrinkles our children cause!
So mommas, here are some things we can STOP purchasing!
1. A vacuum. I personally, this week alone have eaten off the floor 45 goldfish crackers, half a hot dog bun, and some smooshed carpet cheese. My toddler has eaten all the dirt particles she can locate, some dryer lint, and some old canned corn. The dog has taken care of the rest. Vaccuming clearly is for the childless. Snack as needed and let your blessings from heaven, and the dog take care of the rest.
2. Soap. Now I know I'm losing some of you on this one. You glance over at your child. They're covered in dog hair encrusted play dough, broken dreams, and string cheese. You think to yourself, but my kid smells of old socks and urine. I say to you, within 4 minutes of being awake your child will be covered in peanut butter and riding the guinea pig. Lets just accept our losing battles. Soap is for childless people ages 18 and older. End of story.
3. All clothing. Because I personally go through like 3 outfits minimum per child by 8:30am and by 9 I glance over to catch sight of a butt cheek leaping off the furniture with what sounds like someone shouting war cries for their home land. Why are we spending money on this?! Clearly our children appreciate a good breeze on their bottoms and sand in their orifices. Who are we to deny them this joy?
4. All fruits and vegetables. I see you have baked a lovely vegetable quiche with a side of quione and organic stewed beets. I don't know if you noticed your children crying in the corner, eating the dry wall, and requesting a hot dog, but they clearly seem to be in some sort of medical distress. I really hope you are cpr certified. Lets let this battle go for now and go ahead and just slide that toddler a nugget under the table. Bonus points if you wink. Next time you consider spending 10 dollars on organic edame remember the joy on your child's face when you handed then a pack of Scooby snacks. Just saying.
5. All of the ridiculously expensive toys. Listen I think it's fabulous your kid has a $200.00 doll who has a more impressive passport and wardrobe than I do, but is it really necessary? My kids are currently eating mud and playing with some dirty socks: just as happy and much cheaper.
6. The five million classes you enroll your little nugget of love in. I'm not knocking activities. They're awesome. My little nugget is attending dance. We are praying she doesn't get the ax after her last Shakira impression, but so far so good. I'm talking about the kids who are enrolled in dance, gymnastics, french, public speaking, basket weaving, and masonry at the age of 2. You know who has a baby genius? Probably not you. So save your money, and have some fun with your kiddo while they still believe you when you tell them you have no idea where their beautiful, bedazzled, talking, doll from hell went.
Now these are just some small money saving ideas. It might be wiser to coupon, cut the wine, and stop buying children's programs in desperation from Netflix.
Either way you choose to budget, this momma has your back.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Here is to Not Killing Each Other!
Happy Anniversary, husband of mine!
Here is to 4 years of marriage. I wish someone had snapped a classy picture of us at the courthouse(by classy I mean I was pregnant and already developing my love of stretchy clothing), but I guess we will survive without that precious moment in time captured. We have survived a hell of a lot more.
In 4 years we have moved cross country leaving everything and everyone we knew behind, had major career changes, bought houses and cars, had a lot of kids: I can't make a pot roast for the life of me, and you tried to fry rice without cooking it that one time, but kids we can do.
And by do, I mean winging it.
We have no village. We are our own. I'm no pocahontas but I do what I can.
It has not been easy. It's been very, very hard.
Remember that one time I caught the house on fire? My bad.
Oh my Lord has it been messy. You and I have ridden the waves, created the waves, and full on drowned in the waves together. You have seen me at best, and seen my at my absolute and total worst. (Contrary to popular belief I am not always as classy as I was back in the pregnant courthouse wedding days.)
Throughout it all we've stubbornly ridden the tide that is our ever transitioning life. You are my better half. You are my worse half. You are my anchor. But at the end of the day you are my Andrew.
So here is to us: messy, imperfect, tired, committed. I loved the man you were 6 years ago, but I love the man you are today so much more.
We are not perfect people, I won't even say the cliche that we are perfect for each other either, because we screw it up sometimes too. I will say we have been worth the fight. You're my best friend. You always will be. Thanks for loving me just the way I am.
Ps. You're on your own for dinner tonight. Ain't nobody got time for that. And there is a pretty high statistical chance at this point in the week you have no clean underwear.
Xoxo
Thursday, October 1, 2015
My What Pretty Teeth You Have
Once upon a time I made the fateful decision to attempt a dental check up. This decision will more than likely cost me at least 3 more years of therapy bills. For me, not her, after that performance kid clearly has a future in acting. She can pay for her own therapy. Join me for this little adventure friends. A good time was not had by anyone.
*I would like to preface this by saying this is NOT a slam against the dentist or dental workers who were very, very nice. When life gives you lemons you cannot use them to construct a 3 story condominium. You can however use these lemons to clean and disinfect the tears, and the remains of my 3 year old daughters bladder which have both been shed on their once clean floor. And the boogers. Because shrieking also produces boogers.
There have been many times I've looked like an idiot. There have been many times my kids have melted down and caused strangers to question whether I was related to Jerry Springer. There have been many times I have slowly taken two steps back from my children and glanced pointedly at whatever other adult was the closest so as to make it appear they were the owner of said child.
Yeah, that kid screaming her head off. Not mine. Not it. Do not claim. Do not pass go. But girl, collect the $200.00 and RUN.
Today I pretended to be responsible and attempted to take my 3 year old to the dentist. It was a short lived trip that ended in me requesting laughing gas and a prescription for pain relievers. I may not have been physically injured but I have pain. I have pain in my heart, pain in my head, and pain in my shins from a vicious toddler kick.
It began innocently enough. Meara knew we were on to big things because I put a bra on. I dusted off my finest pair of stretchy pants and busted out my dry shampoo. These 2 girls were about to hit the town: or about to head a block away in our minivan headed for despair with a side dose of betrayal, either way.
The waiting room went well enough. I filled out paperwork incorrectly. Meara complimented me on my pink pen. It was blue. This was clearly the foreshadowing of future events, but when you're about to be hit by the freight train that is a full blown toddler melt down it's best to be ignorant.
Then the fateful words were said: Meara, it's your turn. Turn for what you ask? A simple dental check up, or your turn to travel into the depraved depths of hell?
B. THE ANSWER IS B.
We made it through the door. I let out a sigh. Maybe this won't be so bad I thought to myself. Look at me adulting my small child, I thought to myself. Look at our matching boots, how cute are we, I thought to myself.
Cue the beginnings of inhuman screams. I repeat inhuman shrieks.
So, at this point I begin nervously laughing. And sweating. A lot. The dental hygentist were extremely nice. They tried to calm her nerves, give her toys, talked patiently to her. But listen when you're facing down death, a stuffed teddy bear is no consolation prize. I didn't raise a fool. Just someone who acts like it.
At this point I'm dragging her limp and lifeless body down the hall. She's basically at deaths door. Her only functioning organ is her lungs, which she is using to screech NOOOOOOO. We make it to the x ray room.
Cue what can only be compared to as the apocalypse.
My nervous laughter has turned to pants and avoiding direct eye contact, which is mutual. No one wants to be a part of our current train wreck.
At this point the very nice dentist pokes his head out the door. Meara has now gone into convulsions. Mamas I'm CPR trained but I was too busy eying the laughing gas to adequately remember the steps. Not to mention due to the gasping of breath, I may have needed to start with the Heimlich. Clearly she had an airway obstruction. (Upon further inspection the only obstruction she had was a fierce sense of betrayal in her broken heart.)
The very nice dentist suggests we try again in 6 months. We make eye contact for .03 seconds before my crazy mama stare makes him uncomfortable and he has to glance away.
I glance down at my first born. She seems to be in a death roll with an unseen attacker.
I laugh nervously, sweat drips down my nose. Or tears. Maybe both.
We very slowly, lets's be honest here for a minute, we both run to the door. It was a very short jog since we had only made it 5 feet into the exam area before the Dr ever so kindly suggested we come back another day.
As we reach the waiting room, I draw my courage and look up. Cue the crickets and horrified stares of all the other waiting patients. Meara kindly looks at the closest waiting patient and wisely advises "don't do it"
Um yeah don't do it. It will end in tears and broken dreams. It will end in embarrassment and wet pants. It will end in a CPS visit and rotting teeth.
It will not end well.
Love and light from another mom in the struggle.
Is it beer:30?!
*I would like to preface this by saying this is NOT a slam against the dentist or dental workers who were very, very nice. When life gives you lemons you cannot use them to construct a 3 story condominium. You can however use these lemons to clean and disinfect the tears, and the remains of my 3 year old daughters bladder which have both been shed on their once clean floor. And the boogers. Because shrieking also produces boogers.
There have been many times I've looked like an idiot. There have been many times my kids have melted down and caused strangers to question whether I was related to Jerry Springer. There have been many times I have slowly taken two steps back from my children and glanced pointedly at whatever other adult was the closest so as to make it appear they were the owner of said child.
Yeah, that kid screaming her head off. Not mine. Not it. Do not claim. Do not pass go. But girl, collect the $200.00 and RUN.
Today I pretended to be responsible and attempted to take my 3 year old to the dentist. It was a short lived trip that ended in me requesting laughing gas and a prescription for pain relievers. I may not have been physically injured but I have pain. I have pain in my heart, pain in my head, and pain in my shins from a vicious toddler kick.
It began innocently enough. Meara knew we were on to big things because I put a bra on. I dusted off my finest pair of stretchy pants and busted out my dry shampoo. These 2 girls were about to hit the town: or about to head a block away in our minivan headed for despair with a side dose of betrayal, either way.
The waiting room went well enough. I filled out paperwork incorrectly. Meara complimented me on my pink pen. It was blue. This was clearly the foreshadowing of future events, but when you're about to be hit by the freight train that is a full blown toddler melt down it's best to be ignorant.
Then the fateful words were said: Meara, it's your turn. Turn for what you ask? A simple dental check up, or your turn to travel into the depraved depths of hell?
B. THE ANSWER IS B.
We made it through the door. I let out a sigh. Maybe this won't be so bad I thought to myself. Look at me adulting my small child, I thought to myself. Look at our matching boots, how cute are we, I thought to myself.
Cue the beginnings of inhuman screams. I repeat inhuman shrieks.
So, at this point I begin nervously laughing. And sweating. A lot. The dental hygentist were extremely nice. They tried to calm her nerves, give her toys, talked patiently to her. But listen when you're facing down death, a stuffed teddy bear is no consolation prize. I didn't raise a fool. Just someone who acts like it.
At this point I'm dragging her limp and lifeless body down the hall. She's basically at deaths door. Her only functioning organ is her lungs, which she is using to screech NOOOOOOO. We make it to the x ray room.
Cue what can only be compared to as the apocalypse.
My nervous laughter has turned to pants and avoiding direct eye contact, which is mutual. No one wants to be a part of our current train wreck.
At this point the very nice dentist pokes his head out the door. Meara has now gone into convulsions. Mamas I'm CPR trained but I was too busy eying the laughing gas to adequately remember the steps. Not to mention due to the gasping of breath, I may have needed to start with the Heimlich. Clearly she had an airway obstruction. (Upon further inspection the only obstruction she had was a fierce sense of betrayal in her broken heart.)
The very nice dentist suggests we try again in 6 months. We make eye contact for .03 seconds before my crazy mama stare makes him uncomfortable and he has to glance away.
I glance down at my first born. She seems to be in a death roll with an unseen attacker.
I laugh nervously, sweat drips down my nose. Or tears. Maybe both.
We very slowly, lets's be honest here for a minute, we both run to the door. It was a very short jog since we had only made it 5 feet into the exam area before the Dr ever so kindly suggested we come back another day.
As we reach the waiting room, I draw my courage and look up. Cue the crickets and horrified stares of all the other waiting patients. Meara kindly looks at the closest waiting patient and wisely advises "don't do it"
Um yeah don't do it. It will end in tears and broken dreams. It will end in embarrassment and wet pants. It will end in a CPS visit and rotting teeth.
It will not end well.
Love and light from another mom in the struggle.
Is it beer:30?!
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Days Like These
Momma said there'd be days like these.
Momma said there'd be days like these. Long days, hard days, days full of tears, and doubt, tantrums, and never ending trouble. Days where frustration and exhaustion rule. Days where you just try to survive. Days where you question your own ability to really "do this", where you're sure you've screwed it up. Permanently.
Momma said there'd be days like these. Sweet days, slow days. Days full of snuggles, laughter, kisses, and tickle fights. Days where there's nothing sweeter than the smell of that happy baby in the nape of your neck. Days where you get to watch the magic of childhood unfold. Days that end with dirty, happy, children. Whose streaked faces tell the story of their adventures. We won't always be pirates searching for treasure, explorers conquering mountains, princesses attending balls. There won't always be days like this.
Motherhood has brought me some of the best moments. It has also brought me to my knees.
On my knees praying for patience, praying for guidance, praying for a break. Just praying.
On my knees with sick babies waiting for the next round of illness to rock their sweet little body, while it rocked my heart just as much. On my knees riding out the waves of fierce and startling adult like anger that comes with a frustrated child. On my knees eye level with that angry and frustrated baby willing for the grace to use this moment to teach and not harm. On my knees with budgets, bills, stress and worry.
On my knees rocking.
On my knees holding.
On my knees laughing.
On my knees pretending and exploring.
On my knees running my hand through that sweet head of hair while they tell me about their day.
On my knees reading stories in silly voices, while little babies shriek.
On my knees thanking God that I get to be their mother, thanking God that they're healthy. Thanking God my biggest problems are someone else's blessings.
Motherhood has certainly brought me to my knees.
For you see, Momma did said there would be days like this. Hard, happy days. Days where the tears are intermingled with giggles.
And I'm on my knees right now living these messy, imperfect days.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle.
Momma said there'd be days like these. Long days, hard days, days full of tears, and doubt, tantrums, and never ending trouble. Days where frustration and exhaustion rule. Days where you just try to survive. Days where you question your own ability to really "do this", where you're sure you've screwed it up. Permanently.
Momma said there'd be days like these. Sweet days, slow days. Days full of snuggles, laughter, kisses, and tickle fights. Days where there's nothing sweeter than the smell of that happy baby in the nape of your neck. Days where you get to watch the magic of childhood unfold. Days that end with dirty, happy, children. Whose streaked faces tell the story of their adventures. We won't always be pirates searching for treasure, explorers conquering mountains, princesses attending balls. There won't always be days like this.
Motherhood has brought me some of the best moments. It has also brought me to my knees.
On my knees praying for patience, praying for guidance, praying for a break. Just praying.
On my knees with sick babies waiting for the next round of illness to rock their sweet little body, while it rocked my heart just as much. On my knees riding out the waves of fierce and startling adult like anger that comes with a frustrated child. On my knees eye level with that angry and frustrated baby willing for the grace to use this moment to teach and not harm. On my knees with budgets, bills, stress and worry.
On my knees rocking.
On my knees holding.
On my knees laughing.
On my knees pretending and exploring.
On my knees running my hand through that sweet head of hair while they tell me about their day.
On my knees reading stories in silly voices, while little babies shriek.
On my knees thanking God that I get to be their mother, thanking God that they're healthy. Thanking God my biggest problems are someone else's blessings.
Motherhood has certainly brought me to my knees.
For you see, Momma did said there would be days like this. Hard, happy days. Days where the tears are intermingled with giggles.
And I'm on my knees right now living these messy, imperfect days.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Life Lessons:Toddler Style
My children are my greatest blessings. They've taught me so many things. They've taught me what unconditional love is. They've taught me what it's like to go shopping with your pants on backwards. They've taught me that it is ok to say the words "we do not put puffy paint in our sister's underwear".
So, so many lessons, that I've decided to try to sum up some of my greatest lessons learned from my kids. These are deep y'all. Our kids are, after all, the future. So here it goes!
Lessons I've learned from my children:
1. One man's trash is another man's treasure.
I personally would love a new wardrobe, piece of jewelry, or a dust buster. Please sweet baby Jesus someone get me a dust buster. Have y'all met my children?! There are french fries from 1992 under my bed. Scouts honor. It's a vintage piece.
Audrey on the other hand is saying a Hail Mary and getting herself right with the Lord everytime she finds some more of that delicious petrified cereal from the floor board of the minivan. Nothing says treasure better than decomposing snacks.
To each their own.
2. Actions speak louder than words.
Sure, we toss around the word love, but nothing says love more than selflessly removing your pull up during nap time. Clearly my child is trying to lessen my load. Once less diaper to change. Also, since she relieved herself in her bedding that is also once less child to coerce in a failed attempt to potty train. So thank you dear sweet child for that. I love you too.
3. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Sure that one time you took off your pants, shoved them up the gutter, and tried to ride the dog while your butt cheeks and princess tiara were gloriously aglow was kind of funny
But the second time was not.
Also, I get that you need to be prepared for anything, but you hoodlums are consuming 18 full meals a day and 32 snacks. So why do I keep finding crackers in your underwear? I'm on to yall. And word of advice: best place to stash food is the laundry room. I for one have no experience in this, but I would assume cracker related chaffing is not pleasant.
4. There is no use crying over spilled milk.
These are wise words. Why cry when you can drink directly from the floor.
5. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Um no. Don't. That's a waste of a basket. Baskets serve far greater purposes. Where else would one unravel an entire roll of toilet paper or empty out the box of tampons? Where else would one sit while contemplating the depths of depravity that is the hypocrisy of sharing? What else could one use as a protective head device while trying to sit on an unruly sibling?!
Don't you dare put all your eggs in one basket: or any of your eggs for that matter. Eggs are for baking cakes for your children whenever they demand- which is right now. Please go feed your starving children. You removed the snacks from their pants and they are desperate.
6. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Because the neighbors don't have kids. And their lawn is on point.
My lawn, however is fertilized by toddlers defecating for fun. So yeah....it's actually greener.
7. Ignorance is bliss.
Because once upon a time I was ignorant and hopeful enough to assume your sounds of silence meant you were enjoying each others company. Now I know the bitter truth. Silence means you're giving your sister a swirly and have painted yourself blue with the nail polish in order to better reconnect with your ancestors. I cannot take your life but i can take your freedom....because you're grounded for the next 17 years. At the age of 2. You may not cry over the spilled milk but I foresee some crying now.
8. You are what you eat.
Because that one time you ate nothing but raisins for three days you turned a little purple and seemed slightly dehydrated. Luckily, after you had explosive diahrea for 4 days that caused your father and I to seek therapy before we even attempted to seek medical attention for you, you returned to normal.
However, we are still finding stray raisins from "the incident" so perhaps we shouldn't repeat that little food experience.
This list will continue expanding. But spread this prolific knowledge while you can!
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
So, so many lessons, that I've decided to try to sum up some of my greatest lessons learned from my kids. These are deep y'all. Our kids are, after all, the future. So here it goes!
Lessons I've learned from my children:
1. One man's trash is another man's treasure.
I personally would love a new wardrobe, piece of jewelry, or a dust buster. Please sweet baby Jesus someone get me a dust buster. Have y'all met my children?! There are french fries from 1992 under my bed. Scouts honor. It's a vintage piece.
Audrey on the other hand is saying a Hail Mary and getting herself right with the Lord everytime she finds some more of that delicious petrified cereal from the floor board of the minivan. Nothing says treasure better than decomposing snacks.
To each their own.
2. Actions speak louder than words.
Sure, we toss around the word love, but nothing says love more than selflessly removing your pull up during nap time. Clearly my child is trying to lessen my load. Once less diaper to change. Also, since she relieved herself in her bedding that is also once less child to coerce in a failed attempt to potty train. So thank you dear sweet child for that. I love you too.
3. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Sure that one time you took off your pants, shoved them up the gutter, and tried to ride the dog while your butt cheeks and princess tiara were gloriously aglow was kind of funny
But the second time was not.
Also, I get that you need to be prepared for anything, but you hoodlums are consuming 18 full meals a day and 32 snacks. So why do I keep finding crackers in your underwear? I'm on to yall. And word of advice: best place to stash food is the laundry room. I for one have no experience in this, but I would assume cracker related chaffing is not pleasant.
4. There is no use crying over spilled milk.
These are wise words. Why cry when you can drink directly from the floor.
5. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Um no. Don't. That's a waste of a basket. Baskets serve far greater purposes. Where else would one unravel an entire roll of toilet paper or empty out the box of tampons? Where else would one sit while contemplating the depths of depravity that is the hypocrisy of sharing? What else could one use as a protective head device while trying to sit on an unruly sibling?!
Don't you dare put all your eggs in one basket: or any of your eggs for that matter. Eggs are for baking cakes for your children whenever they demand- which is right now. Please go feed your starving children. You removed the snacks from their pants and they are desperate.
6. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Because the neighbors don't have kids. And their lawn is on point.
My lawn, however is fertilized by toddlers defecating for fun. So yeah....it's actually greener.
7. Ignorance is bliss.
Because once upon a time I was ignorant and hopeful enough to assume your sounds of silence meant you were enjoying each others company. Now I know the bitter truth. Silence means you're giving your sister a swirly and have painted yourself blue with the nail polish in order to better reconnect with your ancestors. I cannot take your life but i can take your freedom....because you're grounded for the next 17 years. At the age of 2. You may not cry over the spilled milk but I foresee some crying now.
8. You are what you eat.
Because that one time you ate nothing but raisins for three days you turned a little purple and seemed slightly dehydrated. Luckily, after you had explosive diahrea for 4 days that caused your father and I to seek therapy before we even attempted to seek medical attention for you, you returned to normal.
However, we are still finding stray raisins from "the incident" so perhaps we shouldn't repeat that little food experience.
This list will continue expanding. But spread this prolific knowledge while you can!
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
Monday, September 21, 2015
Pinterest Problems
Lately I've been perusing Pinterest. By perusing I mean searching recipes and crafts I'll never attempt while my chocolate covered kids wrestle each other in the yard with Reba MacEntire playing in the background. (Good Lord I do love Reba!)
Here's your one chance Fancy, don't let me down: I'm going to need you to construct an end table out of doileys, string cheese, and misguided faith. If you don't complete it, this momma's gonna move uptown.
Or buy it on etsy.
I've noticed they have a lot of 21 day challenges. Many of them are geared towards moms. In just 21 days you can systematically clean your pantry or laundry room, replace all your window screens, and successfully complete your own organ transplant using only pipe cleaners! You can also loose 25lbs and teach your kids french. Bonjour!
True story. It's on pinterest. And everything on Pinterest is totally legit...just ask my husband about dinner last week. He will agree.
I've decided to make my own challenge. I lasted 2 days in the clean eating challenge(mamma NEEDED her doritos), I couldn't decipher the language in the fitness challenge(you mean bend and snap isn't a fitness routine?!) And I didn't even attempt the cleaning challenge. One look at my laundry room had me calling uncle and grabbing the wine.
Therefore, I created this 5 day challenge for all my other momma's in the struggle.
Deep breaths ladies. We can do this.
Day 1: Put your pants on. Do they zip? Damn that's amazing! You go girl. Don't worry if they dont. As mothers it's important to be prepared. Those of us in yoga pants will be the first to outrun the mom in the stilletos and pencil skirt in the event of a freak bear attack. Survival of the fittest y'all. Praise Jesus that I am wearing these 3 day old stretch pants because bear attacks are a legitimate threat out here in western Kansas. Bonus points if they aren't backwards!
Day 2: Locate your children. Hide. Immediately. Preferably hide in a location that has running water, cable TV, and snacks. They found you? Unfortunate. Truly unfortunate. Revert to plan B: Callioux and lucky charms. Facebook your kids "eating" oatmeal and creating yarn art first. After you've cleaned oatmeal out of the air conditioning unit (raising over achievers here) and untied the dogs from the toilet bowl (who knew yarn had had that tensile strength?!) Proceed with your day.
Day 3: Make a long list of every thing you hope to accomplish in your life. Bonus points if it's written in crayon or on Toy Story stationary. Sky is the limit here ladies! Don't hold back: you want to make a 3 foot cake that looks exactly like Bill Clinton - write it down! Is your goal to promote world peace? Write it down! Have you always wanted to go Vegan? Put that on the list!!! Have you been eyeing those pants you've had in your closet since 2002? Sure you haven't worn them since you attended Britney Spear's concert in your Sketchers, but now is not a time to doubt. It is a time to dream! Once your list is complete, read through it. Visualize yourself accomplishing these goals (I read that on a pinterest. Once again it makes it legit.) As you visualize please ignore all outside distractions. Is a child pooping behind the curtains? Is another one creating wall art with your last tube of lipstick? If so I do not care! Focus, people focus. Visualize Bill Clinton in his frosted glory.
Ok, now that that is done please cross off all things written on your list. Lets be real: that was fun, but your kid eats rocks. Its time to get realistic.Edit it to say your one goal is to wear pants while checking the mail. This year.
Mission accomplished! Another day of success!
Day 4: Ok now I know this is going to sound pretty ambitious but what are goals for?! Todays challenge is to take a shower. I realize it's been several days since you've attempted this, but girl today is your day!!!! Chuck those barbie dolls, bath crayons, and the Elmo loofah out. Dust off your razor. Find a bar of soap that isn't in the shape of a jungle animal and go to town! Please ignore the shrieks and cries of your children. It's just their spirits you are crushing by not inviting them to participate.
Day 5: You know who doesn't get enough appreciation? Your husband! Todays goal is a simple one. Have a home cooked meal ready for him when he arrives home this evening.
Mommas, home cooked doesn't have to mean it was cooked by you!
Step 1: call Pizza Hut
Step 2: Anxiously await the delivery.
Step 3: Set the table. Opt for paper plates because let's be real, you won't wash those dishes.
Step 4: When the pizza arrives put it on a pan and throw away the box.
Step 5: Place your pizza making ingredients in strategic locations so as to make it appear that you actually cooked said meal.
Step 6: Greet husband in your best yoga pants and bask in the glory of your meal.
If you're one of those ladies (like myself) who cook everything in a crock pot go ahead and chop up the pizza and stick it in there. It's important when lying about your home cooked meal that you stay consistent so as to not alert your husband.
Alright ladies. Take a deep breath. We did it. Made it all five days. You should be cleaned, refreshed, and on your way to gaining 5lbs of pizza weight. Glad I could take this journey with y'all.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
Here's your one chance Fancy, don't let me down: I'm going to need you to construct an end table out of doileys, string cheese, and misguided faith. If you don't complete it, this momma's gonna move uptown.
Or buy it on etsy.
I've noticed they have a lot of 21 day challenges. Many of them are geared towards moms. In just 21 days you can systematically clean your pantry or laundry room, replace all your window screens, and successfully complete your own organ transplant using only pipe cleaners! You can also loose 25lbs and teach your kids french. Bonjour!
True story. It's on pinterest. And everything on Pinterest is totally legit...just ask my husband about dinner last week. He will agree.
I've decided to make my own challenge. I lasted 2 days in the clean eating challenge(mamma NEEDED her doritos), I couldn't decipher the language in the fitness challenge(you mean bend and snap isn't a fitness routine?!) And I didn't even attempt the cleaning challenge. One look at my laundry room had me calling uncle and grabbing the wine.
Therefore, I created this 5 day challenge for all my other momma's in the struggle.
Deep breaths ladies. We can do this.
Day 1: Put your pants on. Do they zip? Damn that's amazing! You go girl. Don't worry if they dont. As mothers it's important to be prepared. Those of us in yoga pants will be the first to outrun the mom in the stilletos and pencil skirt in the event of a freak bear attack. Survival of the fittest y'all. Praise Jesus that I am wearing these 3 day old stretch pants because bear attacks are a legitimate threat out here in western Kansas. Bonus points if they aren't backwards!
Day 2: Locate your children. Hide. Immediately. Preferably hide in a location that has running water, cable TV, and snacks. They found you? Unfortunate. Truly unfortunate. Revert to plan B: Callioux and lucky charms. Facebook your kids "eating" oatmeal and creating yarn art first. After you've cleaned oatmeal out of the air conditioning unit (raising over achievers here) and untied the dogs from the toilet bowl (who knew yarn had had that tensile strength?!) Proceed with your day.
Day 3: Make a long list of every thing you hope to accomplish in your life. Bonus points if it's written in crayon or on Toy Story stationary. Sky is the limit here ladies! Don't hold back: you want to make a 3 foot cake that looks exactly like Bill Clinton - write it down! Is your goal to promote world peace? Write it down! Have you always wanted to go Vegan? Put that on the list!!! Have you been eyeing those pants you've had in your closet since 2002? Sure you haven't worn them since you attended Britney Spear's concert in your Sketchers, but now is not a time to doubt. It is a time to dream! Once your list is complete, read through it. Visualize yourself accomplishing these goals (I read that on a pinterest. Once again it makes it legit.) As you visualize please ignore all outside distractions. Is a child pooping behind the curtains? Is another one creating wall art with your last tube of lipstick? If so I do not care! Focus, people focus. Visualize Bill Clinton in his frosted glory.
Ok, now that that is done please cross off all things written on your list. Lets be real: that was fun, but your kid eats rocks. Its time to get realistic.Edit it to say your one goal is to wear pants while checking the mail. This year.
Mission accomplished! Another day of success!
Day 4: Ok now I know this is going to sound pretty ambitious but what are goals for?! Todays challenge is to take a shower. I realize it's been several days since you've attempted this, but girl today is your day!!!! Chuck those barbie dolls, bath crayons, and the Elmo loofah out. Dust off your razor. Find a bar of soap that isn't in the shape of a jungle animal and go to town! Please ignore the shrieks and cries of your children. It's just their spirits you are crushing by not inviting them to participate.
Day 5: You know who doesn't get enough appreciation? Your husband! Todays goal is a simple one. Have a home cooked meal ready for him when he arrives home this evening.
Mommas, home cooked doesn't have to mean it was cooked by you!
Step 1: call Pizza Hut
Step 2: Anxiously await the delivery.
Step 3: Set the table. Opt for paper plates because let's be real, you won't wash those dishes.
Step 4: When the pizza arrives put it on a pan and throw away the box.
Step 5: Place your pizza making ingredients in strategic locations so as to make it appear that you actually cooked said meal.
Step 6: Greet husband in your best yoga pants and bask in the glory of your meal.
If you're one of those ladies (like myself) who cook everything in a crock pot go ahead and chop up the pizza and stick it in there. It's important when lying about your home cooked meal that you stay consistent so as to not alert your husband.
Alright ladies. Take a deep breath. We did it. Made it all five days. You should be cleaned, refreshed, and on your way to gaining 5lbs of pizza weight. Glad I could take this journey with y'all.
Love and light from another momma in the struggle ♡
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Riding the Waves
Sullivan was having a hard time tonight which therefore meant I was as well. I know the phrase "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy" is popular but in reality it should be "If baby ain't happy everyone else is envisioning packing up 12 pair of underwear, 4 pair of sweatpants, the spice girls greatest hits, and heading for the hills". Please picture the large white minivan peeling out leaving burnt rubber and goldfish crackers in it's wake.
I know these moments are fleeting.
This struggle - as intense as it feels in the moment- is really just that. Only a moment: only a drop in an ocean. We ride the waves together, sometimes crashing to the surface, other times rocking gentle against the shore.
Like the waves persistent crashes I find myself rocking and often listening to the rythmic creak of the chair. I know one day I will no longer have the rythm of this chair to guide me. One day it will instead be the patter of my feet running to check on a child who needs a hug, or story, or gentle reminder that everything will be ok. This will eventually give way to a new pattern of the sound of my feet pacing as I wait for a teenager to come home, worried for my child who isnt quite a child anymore: waiting for my heart to stop aching at this change. This pattern will give way to another- of silence. Knowing that my children now create their own oceans and waves as I sit on the shore praying I taught them enough to trust their inner compass.
Right now my chair rocks, my baby sleeps, and a bit of perspective slips into the chaos and stress of my day.
This too shall pass. It will make way for other struggles and other moments-big ones, small ones, moments lost, and moments found.
Tonight I held Sullivan, his little face wet with tears. He was so tired. I was equally as tired and dreaming of Vegas, baby sitters, pants that zipped, and meals I didn't have to eat in under 2 seconds.
I put him on my chest and rocked.
And rocked.
And rocked.
And I listened to his breathing that was rapid and distressed slowly align with my own. Slowly the hiccups stopped. Slowly the tears abaited.
Until we were breathing together, chest to chest and cheek to cheek. Our salty tears intermingled.
And we rocked.
And rocked.
And rocked.
I put my phone down, turned the TV off, and just breathed him in. I memorized his sweet chubby cheeks and perfect little eyelashes. I prayed for grace to remember this moment when it got hard again later.
Aka in 2 hours when he wakes up, or one of his sisters has an accident, or sees something suspicious in their bedrooms such as, but not limited to: a blanket folded strangely. You guys, that's not actually a blanket. It's Godzilla. Stay safe.
As hard as these times can be, they're also so fleeting and precious. I will not always be the center of my children's world. I pray I will at least be their anchor.
I know they themselves will forever by my anchor and compass. They are my lighthouse and beacon.
This too shall pass mommas, so as hard as it is, just breathe it in. Breathe in their sweet smells, their hiccups, and even their cries. You won't always be breathing chest to chest. Your hearts won't always be perfectly aligned to each other in the physical, but if we do this right we may get to occupy a little pocket of theirs forever.
Love and light from another momma in the trenches♡
I know these moments are fleeting.
This struggle - as intense as it feels in the moment- is really just that. Only a moment: only a drop in an ocean. We ride the waves together, sometimes crashing to the surface, other times rocking gentle against the shore.
Like the waves persistent crashes I find myself rocking and often listening to the rythmic creak of the chair. I know one day I will no longer have the rythm of this chair to guide me. One day it will instead be the patter of my feet running to check on a child who needs a hug, or story, or gentle reminder that everything will be ok. This will eventually give way to a new pattern of the sound of my feet pacing as I wait for a teenager to come home, worried for my child who isnt quite a child anymore: waiting for my heart to stop aching at this change. This pattern will give way to another- of silence. Knowing that my children now create their own oceans and waves as I sit on the shore praying I taught them enough to trust their inner compass.
Right now my chair rocks, my baby sleeps, and a bit of perspective slips into the chaos and stress of my day.
This too shall pass. It will make way for other struggles and other moments-big ones, small ones, moments lost, and moments found.
Tonight I held Sullivan, his little face wet with tears. He was so tired. I was equally as tired and dreaming of Vegas, baby sitters, pants that zipped, and meals I didn't have to eat in under 2 seconds.
I put him on my chest and rocked.
And rocked.
And rocked.
And I listened to his breathing that was rapid and distressed slowly align with my own. Slowly the hiccups stopped. Slowly the tears abaited.
Until we were breathing together, chest to chest and cheek to cheek. Our salty tears intermingled.
And we rocked.
And rocked.
And rocked.
I put my phone down, turned the TV off, and just breathed him in. I memorized his sweet chubby cheeks and perfect little eyelashes. I prayed for grace to remember this moment when it got hard again later.
Aka in 2 hours when he wakes up, or one of his sisters has an accident, or sees something suspicious in their bedrooms such as, but not limited to: a blanket folded strangely. You guys, that's not actually a blanket. It's Godzilla. Stay safe.
As hard as these times can be, they're also so fleeting and precious. I will not always be the center of my children's world. I pray I will at least be their anchor.
I know they themselves will forever by my anchor and compass. They are my lighthouse and beacon.
This too shall pass mommas, so as hard as it is, just breathe it in. Breathe in their sweet smells, their hiccups, and even their cries. You won't always be breathing chest to chest. Your hearts won't always be perfectly aligned to each other in the physical, but if we do this right we may get to occupy a little pocket of theirs forever.
Love and light from another momma in the trenches♡
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